《緩解期》 In Remission

 

“ ‘Reality’ is used metonymically for all that is social about law.” Panu Minkkinen,

 

“Reimagining the Humanities : Socio-Legal Scholarship in an Age of Disenhancemen.” In Exploring the 'socio' of Socio-legal Studies, 2013

 

這不是⼀個「精神病康復者」的故事。

This is not a story about a “person recovered from mental illness”.

 

緩解期是⼀個未完成的圓，總是⼤紅⾊的。那是從正⽅形裁剪出來的未完成的圓，被貼在乒乓球拍上，符合球拍的形狀，最後被撕下來。

The period of remission is an incomplete circle, always a vivid red. It is an unfinished circle cut from a square, stuck onto a table-tennis bat to fit the shape of the blade, and finally torn off.

 

它是橡膠，是膜，有彈性，卻容易撕爛。但它好像永遠不會腐爛，只凝固成⼀塊⾎紅。它會成為化⽯嗎？像⽊化⽯那樣。

It is rubber, a membrane, elastic yet easily torn. Yet it seems never to rot; it simply solidifies into a block of blood-red. Will it become a fossil, like petrified wood?

 

這塊乒乓球膠膜的紅，是鮮紅，或是⼤紅，令我聯想起⼩時候英國殖⺠地時代的「回港證」。這種紅，總是代表體⾯、喜慶，⼜或者像⼈體的⾎膜。

The red of this table-tennis rubber sheet is a bright scarlet, or a deep crimson, that reminds me of the “re-entry permits” from my childhood in the British colonial era. This red always stood for respectability, festivity, or else something like the blood film of the human body.

 

另⼀份⼩時候的⾝份證明⽂件，是鴨屎綠⾊的護照。最近才發現，這種由 CMYK 調校出來的綠，其實很美，也很接近植物⾝上長出的顏⾊。我從擦拭報紙的過程中，也擦出了這種鴨屎綠。

Another identity document from childhood was the duck-shit green passport. Only recently did I discover that this green, mixed from CMYK, is actually rather beautiful, and very close to the colours that grow on plants. In the process of rubbing newspaper I have also rubbed out this same duck-shit green.

 

我⽗親取名為「⽣港」，⽣於香港的意思。他⽣於五⼗年代初，兩歲的時候便跟隨嫲嫲到中國⼤陸⽣活，然後在⼗⼆歲左右回港定居⾄今。

My father’s name is “Sang Hong”—meaning “born in Hong Kong”. He was born in the early 1950s, at the age of two, he followed my grandmother to live in mainland China, then returned to settle in Hong Kong around the age of twelve, and has remained here ever since.

 

⾄於乒乓球，它就是⼀個完整的圓。球的任何⼀⾯也是完美的圓，也正因如此，它才可以成為博弈中⼀來⼀往的⼯具。

As for the table-tennis ball, it is a perfect circle. Every side of the ball is a perfect circle, and precisely because of that it can serve as the instrument of a to-and-fro contest.

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現在已經不採⽤這種橙⿈⾊的乒乓球了。它長得像⼀顆完美的柑仔，褪去所有⽑孔，光滑無瑕的圓。這種橙⿈接近螢光，⼤概是加了螢光劑。

Nowadays these orange-yellow table-tennis balls are no longer used. It looks like a perfect little tangerine, stripped of every pore, a smooth and flawless sphere. This orangeyellow is almost fluorescent, probably because fluorescent agents have been added.

 

其實這些乒乓球膠膜和乒乓球，都是我⽗親的物品。他在四⼗歲左右轉⾏做乒乓球教練。從 前他做鍋爐機電⼯程師，⼈⽣從事過不同⾏業。他完全沒有乒乓球教練的證書或執照，只憑着⾒⼯時跟學校的校隊競技比賽，贏了，便得到乒乓球教練的⼯作。

In fact both the table-tennis rubber sheets and the balls belonged to my father. Around the age of forty he changed careers and became a table-tennis coach. Previously he had worked as a boiler mechanical and electrical engineer; he has done different jobs in his life. He had no coaching certificate or licence whatsoever; he simply went for an interview, played a competitive match against the school teams, won, and was given the job of table-tennis coach.

 

紅⾊和⿊⾊的乒乓球膠膜，配成⼀對。紅與⿊，罪與罰，不知從何時起，我會⾃動將這兩組詞聯想在⼀起。

The red and black table-tennis rubber sheets form a pair. Red and black, crime and punishment—somehow, from a certain point onwards, I automatically associate these two pairs of words.

 

因此，乒乓對很多⼈來說，是「乒乓外交」或⼈際之間博弈的象徵物；對我⽽⾔，它更多了⼀重家庭的記憶。他轉⾏的時候，正是我被診斷為精神分裂症的九⼗年代後期——1996⾄ 1997年前夕。

Thus for many people table tennis is a symbol of “ping-pong diplomacy” or of interpersonal gamesmanship; for me it carries an extra layer of family memory: He changed careers just at the time I was diagnosed with schizophrenia, in the late 1990s— on the eve of 1996–97.

 

⽽外交——這個詞，離我也不遠。⾃2012年代表香港參與《殘疾⼈權利公約》的第⼀次審議，我就真正擔當起這個外交⾓⾊。

And diplomacy—that word is not far from me either. Since 2012, when I represented Hong Kong at the first review of the Convention on the Rights of Persons with Disabilities, I have truly taken on this diplomatic role.

 

超過⼗年，我參加了無數次研討會及國際會議。

For more than a decade I have attended countless seminars and international conferences.

 

然⽽，當時在公立醫院精神科的檔案中，我仍然是那個2009年精神科醫⽣判斷為「精神分裂症的緩解期」的病⼈。

Yet in the files of the public hospital psychiatric department I was still the patient whom a psychiatrist in 2009 judged to be “Schizophrenia in remission”.

 

我還記得，因為要申請暫住宿舍，宿舍要求我提供⼀張醫⽣證明書，證明我是在醫⽣批准下終⽌藥物治療，並且具有⾃理能⼒，才可以入住。當時我已經停⽌藥物治療超過五年，理應可以叫做康復。

I still remember that, in order to apply for temporary hostel accommodation, the hostel required a doctor’s certificate stating that I had stopped medication with the doctor’s approval and possessed the ability to look after myself. By then I had already been off medication for more than five years; one might reasonably have called it recovery.

 

可是在精神科醫⽣會診的時候，她跟我說：「以我的病歷紀錄，我很容易會復發。」所以她不能診斷我為完全康復的狀態。

Yet during the consultation the psychiatrist said to me: “According to my medical records, you can easily relapse.” Therefore she could not diagnose me as fully recovered.

 

這根本不是⼀個診斷，⽽是⼀個預⾔。它將「緩解期」變成⼀個沒有出⼝的狀態：我未病發，也不能、更不會被允許是康復——就這樣，我被卡在中間。

This was not a diagnosis at all, but a prophecy. It turned the “period of remission” into a state without exit: I had not relapsed, yet I could not, and would never be allowed to, be regarded as recovered—thus I was stuck in the in-between.

 

如果乒乓膠膜在使⽤和剝落之間，那麼擦膠就在⽯頭與柔軟之間。因此我稱它為「柔軟的⽯頭」。

If the table-tennis rubber sheet exists between use and peeling off, then the rubber or eraser exists between stone and softness. That is why I call it “the soften stone”.

 

在2015年出版了《殘疾資歷》，並經歷過於中國⼤陸擔任精神障礙者社區發展專員的⼯作之後，我選擇回到香港。

After publishing Disabilities CV in 2015, and working in mainland China as a community organiser for people with mental health issues, I chose to return to Hong Kong.

 

2016年的夏天，我更成立了⾃⼰的組織——殘疾資歷⽣活館。 緩解期，2009年⾄2016年，當時已經有七年。

In the summer of 2016 I also founded my own organisation—the Disability CV. The period of remission, from 2009 to 2016, had already lasted seven years.

 

那些錯置的物件和時空，處於⽇常與廢棄之間，卻總是以合理的理由—混雜—出現在眼前。

Those displaced objects and times exists between the everyday and the discarded, always appear before one’s eyes with reasonable justifications—mixed together.

 

在屯⾨，有⼀塊⼤⽯，被移植於本來⽤作種植花叢、灌⽊叢和樹⽊的正⽅⽯屎圍盤之中。

In Tuen Mun, there is a large rock transplanted into a square concrete planter that was originally meant for flowers, shrubs and trees.

 

因為⽯頭不會⽣長，置入之後，⼯⼈把原本倒入泥⼟的空間封閉起來。

Because the rock does not grow, after it was placed the workers sealed off the space that had been filled with soil.

 

然後我沒有想到，⽯頭的凹處竟然⽣滿了綠⾊的⼩草；在⽯頭和⽯屎的接縫罅隙中，竟然⽣出⼀株⼩植物。

Then, to my surprise, the hollows in the rock were filled with small green grasses; and in the cracks between the rock and the concrete a small plant had sprung up.

 

2016年，我寫了不少詩作，發表於報紙和雜誌。其中⼀⾸《不是詩》，如今讀來仍會令我頭⽪發麻。在那個⽇常經常經過的籃球場上，球場的正負空間，經常上演⼈來⼈往、物件的加加減減。

In 2016 I wrote quite a number of poems, published in newspapers and magazines. One of them, “Not a Poem”, still makes my scalp prickle when I read it now. On that basketball court I often passed in daily life, the positive and negative spaces of the court were constantly the scene of people coming and going, objects being added and subtracted.

 

不是詩（節選）

⼈的加法是未成年

未有完全⾏為能⼒卻不殘疾

⼈的減法是成年

有完全⾏為能⼒

⼈的乘法是⻘—少—年

stop跟stop to的⾏為能⼒不⾜

⼈的除法是去殘疾的⼀⾝孱

老年時已沒⼈計較你殘不殘疾

或早已在殘疾的負空間——復元

 

Not a Poem (excerpt)

Addition of a person is — minor

no full capacity yet not disabled

 

Subtraction of a person is — adult

full capacity

 

Multiplication of a person is you—th—

insufficient capacity between stop and stop to

 

Division of a person is ridding disability’s frail body

in old age no one cares if you’re disabled or not

or you’ve long lain in disability’s negative space—recovering

 

如今看來，我實在無法「復元」。我只能緩解、緩解和緩解，或者就像那些看起來永遠不會腐爛的物件。

Looking back now, I simply cannot “recover”. I can only remit, remit and remit, or be like those objects that seem never to rot.

 

緩解期，有時的確像四原⾊ CMYK。它帶有螢光劑和耐⽔性。原來當 CMYK ⽤作繪畫顏料的時候，在⼀種帶有膠膜的畫紙上，只能緩解、緩解、排斥、抵抗、膨脹、滲透。

The period of remission is sometimes indeed like the four primary colours CMYK. It carries fluorescent agents and water resistance. It turns out that when CMYK is used as painting pigment, on a kind of paper that has a rubbery coating, it can only remit, remit, repel, resist, expand, seep.

 

四⾊嘗試融合，但最後竟然只在膨脹的邊緣中凝固下來，留下互相排斥的痕跡，從⽽形成線條。

The four colours try to fuse, yet in the end they only solidify at the edges of expansion, leaving traces of mutual repulsion that form lines.

 

不能夠融合的底層⾊塊，便在形狀的邊緣滲透，浮上畫紙表⾯。

The underlying colour blocks that cannot fuse seep at the edges of the shapes and rise to the surface of the paper.

 

CMYK就在融合和排斥之間，形成了它的邊界。

CMYK, between fusion and repulsion, forms its own boundary.

 

第⼀批CMYK繪畫就在2024年誕⽣。因為我參與Schoeni Projects 藝術家駐留計劃，受到倫敦的城市環境啟發，特別是那些躺在⼤街上、公園上的樹墩。原來那些樹墩⼤部分已經在城市景觀中存在了超過⼗年或以上。

The first batch of CMYK paintings was born in 2024. My participation in the Schoeni Projects Artist-in-Residence programme brought immense inspiration from London’s urban environment, particularly the tree stumps lying across streets and parks. Most of those stumps have already been part of the cityscape for more than ten years or longer.

 

那刻我忽然發現樹⽊沒有絕對的⽣死，超越了⽣死的框架。那些樹墩成為了微⽣物、⼩植物和⻘苔的溫床。

At that moment, it suddenly dawned on me that trees possess no absolute life or death, transcending the conventional framework of mortality. Those stumps became breeding grounds for microorganisms, small plants, and moss.

 

因此我就以此作為創作靈感，表現⼈類所理解的⾃然法則和真正的⾃然秩序之間的張⼒。於是，那些CMYK 繪畫中有樹⽊和⼈體細胞、⾎管、腦、神經線等等的結合體。

Consequently, I drew artistic inspiration from this to express the tension between humanunderstood laws of nature and the actual natural order. Thus, those CMYK paintings feature combinations of trees with human cells, blood vessels, brains, and neural networks.

 

來到2026年，我的創作就在痛苦和釋放之間不斷⽣長。

Coming into 2026, my creative work continues to grow between pain and release.

 

最近我經歷了⼀次痛苦的掙扎。為了申請升學，我最後決定尋找私家精神科醫⽣，做了⼀次醫學評估。帶着⾃1996年開始累積的醫學紀錄，以及⺟親作為評估諮詢⼈。

Recently, I went through a painful struggle. In order to apply for further study I finally decided to seek a private psychiatrist and underwent a medical assessment. Taking with medical records accumulated since 1996, and with my mother acting as the assessment informant.

 

我終於得到了⼀個診斷——我已經從2004年，於醫⽣批准停⽌藥物治療的情況下「完全康復」。

I at last received a diagnosis—I have already "fully recovered" since 2004, when psychiatrist had approved the cessation of my medication at that time.

 

可以說，我的緩解期已經結束，或者從未發⽣過。在香港，公立醫院的精神科醫⽣和私⼈執業的精神科醫⽣，所發出的醫學報告具有相同的法律效⼒。

One could say that my period of remission has ended or never even happened. In Hong Kong, medical reports issued by public hospital psychiatrists and private psychiatrists carry the exact same legal validity.

 

可是，另⼀⽅⾯，精神病康復者仍然是⼀個殘疾類別。很多「精神病康復者」／「精神復元⼈⼠」擁有殘疾⼈⼠登記證，俗稱⽩卡。然後如果你去僱員再培訓局填寫表格，你就會發現有⼀欄叫做「殘疾類別」，其中就包括了「精神病康復」。

Yet on the other hand, a person recovered from mental illness is still a category of disability. Many “persons recovered from mental illness” / “persons in mental recovery” hold a “Registration Card for People with Disabilities”, commonly known as the white card. And if you fill in a form at the Employees Retraining Board you will find a column headed “Category of Disability”, which includes “recovered from mental illness”.

 

所以在香港地，是否真的有「康復」這回事呢？康復了，也仍是 「殘疾」。

So in Hong Kong, is there really such a thing as “recovery”? Even after recovery, one is still “disabled".

 

（待續）(To be continued)

 

In Remission

Video work produced by Cheung Hing Yee

 

2026 © Cheung Hing Yee

All Rights Reserved

 

《緩解期》

張馨儀 錄像作品

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